February 2012
124 posts
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About tonight's all-girl dinner party
Mr. Steph: So what are you making for tonight?
Me: Chili and cornbread.
Mr. Steph: [Hysterical laughter for six minutes]
Me: What's so funny?
Mr. Steph: I just thought you'd have finger sandwiches or something.
Me: So what, because we're girls we're supposed to eat dainty food?
Mr. Steph: No, I just didn't realize you were going ice fishing afterward.
Me: Anyway, and then someone's bringing an appetizer.
Mr. Steph: Pork rinds?
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IT SMELLS LIKE HOT DOGS IN THE HALLWAY.
WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE HOT DOGS IN THE HALLWAY?
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Blocking the internet on my computer
PROS:
I’d get 250% more work done.
CONS:
I’d lose the will to live.
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Hey. Giraffine is a word.
giraffine
Of or relating to the giraffe or giraffes.
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Do you think my employer would pay for accent...
Because right now, when I present scripts, I sound like a snobby mouse.
P.S.
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Sometimes when I'm on an elevator I look at the...
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Best Friends re: my (all girl) dinner party
Ali: is anyone there going to be good at painting nails? i need a mani
me: you're turning this into a real 7th grade slumber party
Ali: help a sister out
me: i mean, we all paint our own nails. you can't do your own?
Ali: NO. are you kidding?
me: are you?
Ali: i can paint my left fine. you suck
me: you lack the skills required to be a human
Ali: you suck a fat hairy ball
me: your ability to remain classy in all situations is why i'm friends with you
Ali: your ability to stick a large rod of bark up your ass and still walk without a limp impresses me
me: your mother must be proud
Ali: your mom
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"Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could...
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Listening to "Someone Like You" on repeat like I'm...
“Remember, making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole...”
– 12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget
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Just accidentally took part in the Cinnamon...
Stir your oatmeal thoroughly, folks. Stir it well.
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Chris Day
One of my best friends has been dating his girlfriend for two years and he goes all out. This year it’s flowers, a giant singing balloon, he MADE her one of those fleece-tie blankets, and got her tickets to a dance show.
I jokingly asked what he’d be getting and he said, “I don’t really get anything for Valentine’s Day.
I have Chris Day.”
I immediately...
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I just wrote a script in which a mouse in a...
Cure for cancer: you’re up.
World peace: on deck.
