pass the ranch: Archive

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Snorkeling

How about snorkeling? I was on vacation with my family over the holidays, and we went snorkeling FOUR TIMES, which was exactly 4x too many. I love outdoor sports – ziplining, surfing, hiking, rafting, paragliding – you name it, all great. I can’t get onboard with snorkeling. I’ve narrowed it down to two reasons. The first time I went resulted in a broken bag of fish food and scars on both...

Mar 31st

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Nom nom

The food industry has come up with new nutritional labels to let people know how much sugar, fat, sodium and number of calories are in a product. I don’t think this is going to make a difference. Why? One of the commenters asked what the difference was between a calorie and a carb. In case our falling test scores haven’t proven anything, let’s be clear: We’re not so good at education here...

Mar 30th

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The trials of going brunette

Yes, the rumors are true. I have been strongly considering dyeing my hair brown for many weeks now. I’ve already tried “slowly going brunette” by simply getting a ton of lowlights. I didn’t like the mix of yellow + brown or the fact that my hair was back to blonde in under a month. My biggest concern in taking the plunge is if I don’t like it, it will take forever (or...

Mar 30th

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“There’s nothing so uncertain as a sure thing.”

– Scotty Bowman, winningest coach in NHL history; led teams to 9 Stanley Cup championships

Mar 29th

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We've got a situation

MTV has announced that the fourth season of Jersey Shore will shoot in Italy. That’s not ridiculous when you compare it to this next statement. They cite the reason behind the move as “part of the series’ ongoing effort to promote positive images of Italian American culture”. In what way is an orange-faced dwarf getting the shit kicked out of her by a dude in a bar reinforcing a positive...

Mar 29th

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Mar 29th

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http://stephaniewrobel.com →

Big day, peeps. After 349 days of blood, sweat and tears (okay, there was no blood and I don’t think any tears related to the preparation of my portfolio, but there was definitely some sweat from climbing several flights of stairs to get to and from the printer), my portfolio is finished! Feast your eyes on the glory. (Hint: If you don’t like advertising or wittiness, it may not be...

Mar 28th

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Pulp

I have a bone to pick with oranges. I like the flavor and enjoy the citrus scent that comes out of a room spray. But I like nothing about the piece of fruit known as the orange. Primarily because it’s the grandma of fruit with its saggy skin shedding everywhere. There’s no quicker way to ruin a zesty glass of o.j. than seeing a clump of pulp floating about. All I can picture is Benjamin...

Mar 28th

“You want your dream to come true? Wake up and do it. I don’t believe in...”

– Ozzie Guillen This month’s theme of Chicago Magazine is sports. Which means you guys get to enjoy more inspirational quotes than usual from passtheranch. (I fear someday I’m going to be one of those people who hangs motivational posters in her office. You know, the ones with the black...

Mar 28th

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Earmuffs

Here’s one for the guys: STOP saying “earmuffs” to girls. Perhaps you imagine we girls sit around in petticoats, sharing stories of church camp and exchanging lollipop recipes. Let me assure you: most of us are just as immature as you. With a variety of friends who shall go unnamed, the following topics have been discussed: grunting while taking a shit. Pooping after anal. Penis size and a...

Mar 27th

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Commitment issues

My friends and family have accused me of having a fear of commitment. Which I think is ridiculous. Because I’ve been in a committed relationship with Captain Morgan for 5 years now. We both love late night snacks. And it’s really easy to fall asleep together. But he made me bite a friend once, which seems uncalled for.

Mar 26th

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Names

Can you believe some of the names coming out of other countries? My friend was telling me about a few coworkers. While I’m sure it’s a perfectly respectful name in some parts of the world, my reaction was to choke on my milk as tears ran down my face when I heard a real human being’s name is.. “Swartlecoff Sintim”. When she told me about Tangalesia, I knew these two were a match. Imagine...

Mar 25th

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Witness every sleazy man's FB nightmare. →

Mar 24th

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Willow Smith

You know who makes me nervous? Willow Smith. She’s the 10-year-old daughter of Will Smith and became famous for the single “Whip My Hair”. Listen Willow, the only thing I want to see you do with your hair is put it in pigtails while watching Spongebob. Her new song is called “21st Century Girl”, appropriately titled, as she was born IN 2000. In the song, she swears she’s going to “live it...

Mar 24th

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Bored with myself

You know, unless I move to a new city, there’s no way I could continue to blog about myself long term. The things worth sharing aren’t Internet-appropriate and nobody likes a blog full of other people’s thoughts (i.e. Re-blog Central). I’ve been trying to come up with a theme that will hold everyone’s interest (myself included). Stay tuned..

Mar 24th

What was your last invention?

So I found out yesterday that at my dream agency of choice, they don’t really care what your portfolio looks like. :: picking up jaw off floor :: They argue that EVERYONE has a great portfolio. What they’re really interested in is your side project. In interviews, they ask what the last thing you invented is. . . . Consequently, I am currently accepting brilliant ideas because...

Mar 23rd

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Q: How many hipsters does it take to replace a lightbulb? A: It’s this really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it. HA. via @bastholm

Mar 23rd

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Mar 22nd

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Mar 21st

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“You’ve come so far Well done, darling We knew that you had it in you...”

– “Paris” by Kate Nash Love her.

Mar 21st

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Mar 20th

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Mar 20th

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Mar 19th

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Flo and Kay: the world's only female autistic... →

Mar 19th

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Mar 18th

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I think the best part about being my roommate is the letters or texts I will send you in the dead of night or the morning following a night out. They are sometimes dramatic, often useless, but ALWAYS colorful. Exhibit A: I sent my roommate not one, but TWO emails at 1:58 this morning. Email #1: Subject: D-runk “Tonight I got the perfect level of drunk. Not too drunk to not know...

Mar 18th

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Mar 18th

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I found someone nerdier than me

A man named Keith Houston has a blog called - wait for it - Shady Characters: The secret life of punctuation. I’ll admit I skimmed through it, but it didn’t catch my interest. I have to give Keith two BIG thumbs-up for that beyond clever title though. In case you wanted a looky for yourself: http://www.shadycharacters.co.uk/

Mar 17th

thegreensandyellows asked: Which is your favorite brand of ranch dressing?

Mar 17th

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Mar 17th

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Mar 17th

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Mar 16th

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Mar 16th

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The Hindsight Project →

This is my friend Kelsey’s blog and it is absolutely brilliant. A self-described hoarder, she has saved every note and diary entry since 6th grade. She shares the actual pages on this blog and they are beyond hysterical. Laughs all around.

Mar 15th

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Today's tough question:

Would you rather give up true love or sex for the rest of your life? Posed by a Glamour blogger (article below), the poll shows 69% (ironically) of women chose giving up sex. I pondered this for approximately 12 seconds before voting for “true love”. That doesn’t make me jaded. I’d rather be with someone whose company I really enjoy (both in the bedroom and out) than in...

Mar 15th

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“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve...”

– Henry David Thoreau I keep a hefty arsenal of quotes. The top 3 rotation changes often, but this one has remained since high school. It is everything I stand for. Go get ‘em tigers.

Mar 14th

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People who smell worse than Porta-Pottys

I know you don’t exactly have regular access to a shower or clean water, but riddle me this: How does a hole full of shit smell better than you? I’m not trying to be an asshole (pun intended); I’m honestly curious. Sure, I’ve met some noseholding-worthy portable bathrooms in my day. But none have ever made me gag. Although I’ve never been trapped next to one for 30...

Mar 13th

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Mar 12th

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Maturation:

(noun) the ability to stay in on a weekend night to prevent wasting the following day with a hangover (also see: old and boring)

Mar 12th

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“I am a writer by choice, a producer through necessity, and a director in...”

– Melville Shavelson (famous screenwriter) You can’t argue the logic of a guy named Melville.

Mar 11th

Mar 10th

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“Live life. There is no take two.”

– Unknown, hanging in my room. Next time you’re thinking of saying no, ask yourself why. If fear is the primary reason, that’s not a reason. I have to do a stand-up comedy routine tonight and tomorrow night. I’m scared to death. You know what prevented me from saying no? Knowing...

Mar 10th

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